Okay so I was just looking through some of my old writing and other crap and I found this. BEHOLD, my awesomeness:
There is a dark room. Suddenly, all the lights in the room are switched on. All the spotlights are trained on the drawn curtains of the stage. The curtains slowly start to unveil. There is nothing on the stage but a plush chair. Spotlights turn on audience. The audience are mainly cats, although there is a group of massive wolf dogs in the last row. All the cats avoid the last row.
Invisible Announcer: We welcome our host for the night - Castor!
Audience claps enthusiastically. Castor, a handsome sleek black tom, pads into view from backstage.
Castor: Hi guys
Audience: HIIIII!!!!!!!!
Castor: Enough with the chit-chat...Welcome to the premiere of the dating game show- Find your Soulmate!
Audience claps hysterically.
Castor: We have here tonight seven she-cats and a tom. The tom is Mr. Kestrel of 91 Ambrose Street. Hush, don't tell anyone, especially the she-cats, but, he's a kittypet!
Audience gasps in shock
Invisible Announcer: Castor shut up! You just told the world Mr. Kestrel origins!
Castor: ...That was rude...If I'm gonna get cussed at I want a pay raise.
Invisible Announcer: Whatever, now just get back to the show!
Castor: Okay...Well, Mr. Kestrel, frankly, isn't- let's just put it nicely- that a pleasant looking tom.
Audience groans
Castor: Don't get all upset! The she-cats back stage don't know a thing about Mr. Kestrel so they'll still be working hard to win his heart. So let's bring in- Mr. Kestrel!
An overweight fat brown tom walks out from backstage looking thoroughly annoyed. Audience boos him. Mr. Kestrel glares at Castor who shrugs
Castor (to Mr. Kestrel): Don't be sad, not all toms are born with handsome faces, especially not filthy stinking kittypets. Cheer up, Kestrel- can I call you Kestrel?
Kestrel (in a growl): No...
Castor: Kestrel so tonight, we have for you seven she-cats. They would be concealed from you when they come onto stage but you can speak to each and every one of them. Let's familiarise ourselves with the rules of the Game. Round 1 will be the elimination. All seven she-cats will give Kestrel a brief 30-second introduction of themselves. Kestrel will choose the 5 he likes best. The other 2 will be eliminated. You'll get to see their faces before they go and hopefully regret your choice. The next is the selection round. Kestrel can ask each remaining she-cat three questions. He can decide whether to keep the she-cat or let the she-cat go. He can only keep 2 she-cats from the 5. Afterwards, he will go on a date with the 2 she-cats when they will go to a restaurant. The she-cat he likes best after the date will become his soulmate!
Audience cheers
Castor: Let's bring in the she-cats!
A screen appears in the middle of the stage, separating the front part of the stage from the back. The cats in front of the screen cannot see anything going on behind the screen. Silhouettes of she-cats begin to appear behind the screen. There are seven silhouettes in total.
Castor: Round one begins now!
Castor walks towards the first she-cat
Castor: So, give us an introduction of yourself, my dear. Just don't mention your name and appearance.
She-cat 1: Uh-uh-um..uh..um..um.............................................
Kestrel: O.o
Castor: We need you to speak Cat English, sweetheart, so we can understand what you are talking about!
She-cat 1: I like.....uh mice. I am....uh single..uh um...I...uh am a she-cat...I...I...uh
Castor: Time's up! That was a great introduction. Moving on.
Castor goes to next she-cat
Castor: So, you, speak
She-cat 2: That was rude! Why were you so nice to the other she-cat but so mean to me?!
Castor (appears shocked): I'm not mean!!!! I simply ooze niceness.
She-cat 2: Shut up. So well, I'm a pretty out-spoken cat. I talk a lot. Like seriously A LOT. I mean once I start talking to can never get me to shut up. Talking is pretty cool. It's my hobby and job. I'm paid to talk. I'm a psychologists. I talk to mad cats. There was once the Maine Coon came into my clinic wearing a bowler hat! And he said, "THERE'S A SNAKE ON MY HEAD!!!!!!" And I was like it's not a snake it's just some stupid human hat and he was like no it's a snake and I was like no it's a hat and he was like shut up and get the snake off my head and I was like go see the shrink oh I'm a shrink so watcha wanna talk about and he was like there's a snake on my head and....
Castor: Time's up!
She-cat 2: No gimme more time. So my dad said go be a shrink and I was like NO! I mean talking to mad cats?! Seriously?! I don't believe it but I actually followed my dad's advice in the end. I mean...
Castor: Uh shut up now
She-cat 2: And there was this other cat...
Castor: Shut your mouth bitch
Audience gasps
Castor:...That felt great! Haven't used a swear word in months! Andromeda forbid me to do that, just like she forbad me from eating cats or any other animal bigger than me and forbad me from going on a killing spree.
She-cat 2: So I was like seriously?!....
Castor:...she's never going to stop talking isn't she?
She-cat 2: The stupid cat actually told me that I was crazy! I mean he's the manic here. I...
Audience: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She-cat 2: Oh what?
Castor: Get the hell out of here. Next!
Castor goes to third she-cat.
-Unfinished-
I died.
I can't believe I wrote this! XD It's so stupid! X*D What the hell was I thinking of?
Seriously?!
Now I'm going to crawl under a rock and never show my face in this world ever again. Not just because of the amount of profanities in this thing.
XD I was dying from laughter...do you actually watch dating shows?!
ReplyDeleteNo! I don't even know why I wrote that...I think it was because of something I read, NOT a dating show. oh wait it was a cat version of truth and dare. then someone dared the cats to go on a date or something.
ReplyDelete